Coming to the end of my time abroad, I heard plenty of predictions about what it was going to be like to go back to college life in the States, mostly along the lines of depression, let-down, wanting to go back to Zanzibar. I was ready to go home, though - I missed my family and my dog! Getting back home was fantastic, I felt like I was living in a hotel (or hoteli, as they would say in Zanzibar - for a while it was hard to fight the impulse to say hoteli instead of hotel). I ate chocolate till I felt sick, I spent the majority of my time in bed, and I spent a lot of time at home with my family, mostly talking about Zanzibar. I was okay with being home, though, and I was really excited to get back to school and to see all the people I missed so much while being abroad.
I think another factor that actually helped my transition was the passing of my grandmother. While abroad, I found out that she had advanced cancer. My mom traveled back and forth from our house in Mystic, Connecticut to her parents' house in Asheville, North Carolina several times over the fall and winter helping my grandfather and her three older sisters make my grandma's last few months as comfortable as possible. My grandmother passed away on New Year's Day. The funeral was the first time my entire extended family on my mom's side had been together in several years, and even though the reason for us all to be together was tragic, it was really good to see everyone. We were all there to say goodbye to my grandma, and to tell my grandpa how much we love him and how we'll always be there for him. Those few days were about something bigger than me or my time abroad or my transition back into the states, and that helped me. When you do something like study for four months in Africa, everyone wants to hear about it and everyone expects you to be a changed person. Everyone has their own ideas about what life in Africa must be like, and most of it is, in varying degrees, wrong. And as important as it is to do so, it got annoying to correct these stereotypes. Even though I honestly could talk about my experience for days on end, it was really nice to talk about each other and to look at pictures of our family from when I was little. Being there in Asheville with my whole family was comforting.
Then I went back to school. The first week was rush week for my sorority, which was incredibly overwhelming. I found that, for some reason, I suddenly was uncomfortable talking to new people, which came off as awkwardness. As my roommates so kindly reminded me, I've always been a slightly awkward person, but now I was much more conscious of it, so it became worse.
Almost all of my friends in my class went abroad at the same time I did; its just the thing to do at Richmind - if you go abroad, which almost everyone does, you do it during the fall semester of your junior year. When we all got back to campus in the spring, I was expecting friendships to go back to how they were when we all left. You know how there's certain friendships where you can be apart for extended amounts of time, and every time you see each other again, its like you never left each other's side? I think I was expecting all of my friendships at Richmond to be like that. But let's be real - living abroad changes a person. Well, it should anyway. And when each person is changed a little bit differently, the friendship isn't going to be the same. It has taken me five weeks here at Richmond to realize that. At first, I blamed this whole friend-funk thing on living off campus (this is the first time I've ever live off campus). Richmond is definitely a "bubble" and living outside of that bubble kinda stinks. I don't see people as frequently as I used to, hardly anyone has even seen my apartment, and no one really wants to because its inconvenient to get there. But now I'm realizing that this discomfort comes from the fact that I needed to redefine some of my friendships - strengthen some and let others go. And its taken me this long to figure out which belong in which category.
Through middle school and early high school, I had some pretty serious self-conscious issues. (Honestly, though, who didn't?) I let people who were important to me, including my best friend at the time and my first serious boyfriend boss me around and belittle me. My mom and dad constantly reminded me that I needed to have a thicker skin about what people said or thought. By the end of high school, I learned how to master that self-consciousness and became a confident person. Now, if any of my college friends are reading this, they're probably shocked. But somehow, coming back from abroad has brought that self-consciousness back. Trying to rekindle friendships that for whatever reason are not rekindling nearly as easy as they should, has put a serious dent in the confidence that I've built up. But just this realization by itself has been a huge help for me. I know now that there are certain people that I need to distance myself from and not try to force intimate friendships, because it really hurts when the effort is not reciprocated. And there are other people that I am so lucky to have in my life, people that I haven't shown enough love to before now. But I'm going to change that. I'm still learning who those incredible people are, but those are the people that I'm going to surround myself with this semester. And I'm going to let them know how much I appreciate them, one way or another.
Pepaw, you're first. I love you so much, I wish I could be there for you every day. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to visit as much as I would've liked, but I want to change that. You're such a talented, special person. Your sense of humor makes people so comfortable, its no wonder so many people at Givens and the church in Hendersonville love you so much. Losing Grandma was hard for all of us, and I hope you know that we're all here for you, every day, all the time, whether you know it or not. We love you.
Now that I'm an emotional wreck, sprawled on the couch in my living room, I'm going to end this and go to bed. I needed to get all this off my chest, and I'm glad I did.
All my love,
Audrey
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